Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Original Comedy

Seven Ways To Get Kicked Out Of An Internet Cafe

Shayne Michael — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 12:30:00 PST

Seven Ways To Get Kicked Out Of An Internet Café

Ask the barista to rank an episode of Girls Gone Wild. Then ask if she was a guest star.
Try to plug your modem into their phone line.
Then say, "Considering the quality of the coffee, I won't be interrupting any calls."
Watch nonstop commercials for Star Bucks and the Coffee Bean on Youtube.
Using your webcam start recording health code violations until they ask you to leave.
Yell, "A mouse! A mouse! I see a mouse!!" When they say, "It's a computer mouse you idiot," say, "I know I just wanted to see if your average customer was smart enough to figure that out."
Tell random customers your mother board is pregnant and you may not be the dad.
Ask if you can borrow a flash fire drive. When they ask, "Do you mean a flash drive?" Say, "No."
Ask a friend to call from the FBI and ask if there's a chance they have a customer hacking into a Department of Defense Main Frame.

Tampering with the mail is a Federal offense. Now, give that report card to me before I call your dad.

Bad Quotes From The Guy Working On Your Brakes

Shayne Michael — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 12:30:00 PST

Bad Quotes From The Guy Working On Your Brakes

Were you hoping to stop all at once or over an extended period of time?
When you stop in your tracks, make sure you're no where near railroad tracks.
So, just how good are you at bumper cars?
Looks like four tires from Firestone isn't your biggest road hazard anymore.
Hopefully rolling stops aren't illegal anymore.
You may need to turn off the engine to come to a complete stop.
Occasionally, the wheels on the bus go round and round, and then fly right off the car.
You may be able to pop-a-wheelie without even trying now.
Have you ever considered investing in a drag chute.

Your brake pad or mine?

Eight Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Archery Range

Shayne Michael — Sun, 25 Jul 2010 12:30:00 PST

Eight Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Archery Range

It's like Robin Hood suffered a seizure.
Setting fire to the tip because you keep missing the target is ingenious yet still wrong.
That's not a bull's eye; that's a cat's eye; and by the way, you just ruined a game of tic-tac-toe.
His butt's 75 percent Arrowhead Water now.
I warned you not to steal that from the ancient Indian burial ground.
Maybe I wasn't aiming for the apple, fool.
I avoided the spike strips and a helicopter just for you to do this to my car?
That's one way to give the competition the shaft.
That game of fetch turned ugly really fast.

So tell me again, how did you get arrested in your anger management class?

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Chiropractor

Shayne Michael — Sat, 24 Jul 2010 12:30:00 PST

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Chiropractor

You look like a pretzel gone horribly wrong.
Well, you're triple jointed now.
You can do the splits, just not on purpose from what I can see.
I should have known only an mechanic could get the kinks out of a prosthetic arm.
The last client who gave me the finger didn't get it back.
Rubbing people the wrong way is my life goal.
That's how I made a career out of pulling my customer's legs.
Captain Crunch: It's not just a breakfast cereal anymore.
They call me the ab roller, at least they did in the malpractice suit.

You call yourself the wonderful Wizard of Oz? Kinda full of yourself, aren't ya?

Nine Things You Don't Want To Hear From The Train Conductor

Shayne Michael — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 12:30:00 PST

Nine Things You Don't Want To Hear From The Train Conductor

Well it is a monorail now.
This move is from Back to the Future III.
Is that a Rhino or a railroad tie?
Looks like we're about to get it up the caboose.
Murder on the Orient Express can be caused by driving habits too.
I guess it was a bad idea to convert from ethanol back to steam.
In a minute Under the Boardwalk won't just be an annoying song.
I'm pretty sure I can jump that man.
Can you yell really loud? Blowing the horn causes a short.
I'm not trippin' pal. The engine room is.
So who here is a fan of the Poseidon Adventure?
It'll be like Throw Momma From The Train and everyone else too.
Don't worry, the breaks were built by Radio Shack.
On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me, derailment on track three.
And just when has sexting ever been bad luck on a train?

Being head and shoulders over me may just mean she buys more expensive shampoo.

How To Make A Jehovah's Witness Away

Shayne Michael — Thu, 22 Jul 2010 12:30:00 PST

How To Make A Jehovah's Witness Away

When he asks if you believe in God, ask a Magic Eight Ball what you should say.
Offer him a glass of Kool Adie and give an evil stare.
Tell him your in the Witness Protection Program so he needs to go the hell away.
Tell him your celestial teapot is boiling, then offer him some holy tea.
Say you're gonna live a life of debauchery and beg for forgiveness on your death bed.
Ask which holidays converting will allow you to take off work.
Yell, "Hey, you. I have a restraining order against your God!"
Tell them you're tempted but your religion promises 72 virgins before you die.
Then ask the door if he'd like to join in a game of twister and a stiff drink.

Ya know, if we made a mop the star of the commercial we get product placement and save on residuals for years to come.

Signs You're Addicted To YouTube.COM

Shayne Michael — Wed, 21 Jul 2010 12:30:00 PST

Signs You're Addicted To YouTube.COM

The last time you watched an entire episode of South Park, it was online.
You lose sleep arguing counter point to people who dislike your favorite videos.
You can't count the number of vlogs that have made you late to work.
The last time a video got 1 million hits, it was because you watched it 500,000 times.
While browsing the videos a missing person's report gets filed with the police.
After clicking, "View all comments," you got so engaged that you missed your divorce.
After you realized you were served with divorce papers, you posted a video response.
You're a big part of the reason nobody watches MTV anymore.
Your boob tube comes with a keyboard and a mouse.
Magnavox hires a thug to break your leg for killing their business model.
You're almost out of videos for Facebook that you haven't already shared.
Managing your favorites list caused you to lose custody of your kids.

Who would have ever suspected Dapper Dan was gay?

Random One Liners: Part I Lost Track

Shayne Michael — Tue, 20 Jul 2010 12:30:00 PST

Random One Liners: Part I Lost Track

You are the sunshine of my life and the skin cancer all at the same time.
Mental stability is just a teenage fad.
Life is like a box of chocolates, it just keeps making me fat.
If that's your brainchild then I really doubt that's your kid.
My wife is on the pill; it's called Zoloft.
Maybe you shouldn't rock the cradle of love while you're still on parole.
Who died and made you me?
Did you put my anti-wrinkle cream in clothes dryer again?
Today's soup is called I Can't Believe It's Not Borscht.
All dressed up with nowhere to go postal.
Passive aggressives go both ways.
I insist you adopt Arizona's anti immigration laws in bed.
Stop telling me I won't give you the satisfaction; I knew that when we met.
Dear AT&T: Do you have an app that will lower my bill?
The last time I put that in my hat and smoked it, my hair caught fire.
Love me like you use to, with bitterness and contempt.

Why does your Contract With America have so much fine print?

Shayne-Michael.COMedy: Original Comedy

Seven Ways To Get Kicked Out Of An Internet Cafe

Seven Ways To Get Kicked Out Of An Internet Café

Bad Quotes From The Guy Working On Your Brakes

Bad Quotes From The Guy Working On Your Brakes

Eight Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Archery Range

Eight Things You Don't Want To Hear At The Archery Range

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Chiropractor

Things You Don't Want To Hear From Your Chiropractor

Nine Things You Don't Want To Hear From The Train Conductor

Nine Things You Don't Want To Hear From The Train Conductor

How To Make A Jehovah's Witness Away

How To Make A Jehovah's Witness Away

Signs You're Addicted To YouTube.COM

Signs You're Addicted To YouTube.COM

Random One Liners&#58; Part I Lost Track

Random One Liners: Part I Lost Track

Random One Liners: Part I Lost Track