Shayne-Michael.COM: Today's Humor Column Happy Thanksgiving: And Here’s What Pisses Me Off

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The Comedy News For 09/06/10

Happy Thanksgiving: And Here's What Pisses Me Off

Each Thanksgiving I trek back to Arizona to spend the holidays with my family. This column has nothing to do with that. I want to talk about the annoying habits of drivers I noticed along the drive.

First, do not pass me, cut me off, and then take the very next exit. There is no way shaving that second off your drive time did anything for you. Your boss isn't about to say, "I'd have given you full pay, had you been here a half second ago." If he does, he's a dick and you can shoot him under US common law.

When you're driving a semi you're not allowed to pass at all. I'm talking about the semi driver that pulls into the passing lane on Thanksgiving Eve, then steps on the accelerator so gently that even an atomic clock couldn't measure the acceleration, then passes the next truck sometime around Christmas Morning only to notice there's another car eight car lengths in front of him he needs to pass too. Just because you set your cruise control at 42.5 mph and the semi in front of you set his at 42 is no reason to make 200 people late. Lower your speed to 41.5 and cope. If you have a bed in your car, you can drive a mile per hour slower and then take a nap to sleep off the delay.

Cops take dangerous felons off the street. You put reckless drivers in jail. Kudos. Until you sit in the middle of the freeway in plain view holding a Radar gun in a, "Do you feel lucky punk?" pose. You're not going to catch reckless drivers by being so obvious. All you're going to do is slow traffic down to a crawl until there's an eighteen-car pile-up on both sides of you.

If you're driving so slow that one of those houses on a flat bed truck passes you; get off the road. That's not a motor home that passed you; it was someone's living room. Living rooms shouldn't be able to outpace a car. Now let's deal with the other side of the equation. If you're the idiot driving the house: We don't need the red flags or the "Oversize Load" signs. It's a house. Anybody who watches a living room being towed down the freeway who can't figure that out needs a lobotomy.

Don't pass me then go slower than me. Also, don't get annoyed when someone stops at a red light and chooses not to go through with a left turn because the car in front of them didn't make their left turn before that light turned red. I'm not going to risk dying in an unsafe turn, even if you're honking you're horn like a madman. "Wait a second, the guy in back of me is honking. We better go. Strap in the twins. This is going to be close."

If you own a bumper sticker that says, "I brake for Jesus," get off the road. Most people {Jew, Arab, Hindu, or Catholic} who saw their SUV bearing down on Jesus in the middle of the 15 freeway, would turn right before they ran him over. You want to make a statement? Get a bumper sticker that says, "I hit a kid and kept on going." Then speed by that uniformed idiot holding a Radar gun in the middle of the 10, like he's Boss Hog waiting for Bow and Luke Duke to jump the construction barrier. I can handle being late for work if the person who caused it is facing a few felony charges.

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